Cruising Yarns
| Paddy McCoy - I know how he feels !!
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife. That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit. That'll be me then," said Paddy. |
 |
|
Pam Ayres The Satnav I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life  It's better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, Especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, Safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, And all those to the rear And taking this into account, It specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, And keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, And my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off. |
| Police stop at 2 AM Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, ................... "That would be my wife." |
 |
Watch when you have a few minutes.
|
MOVE OVER DOROTHEA MACKELLAR Australia...Great poem....makes you think When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back' And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand Not a product of our heritage that grew off the land |
When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate' When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land Perhaps your heart will tell you then, '. I should have made a stand' Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt Then join the swelling ranks who say, '. don't sell Australia out' Bush Poetry By Chris Long. Click here for more information on Chris. |
"I'm 74 and Tired" ..
| Cowboy Headstone: Here are the Five Rules for Men to follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
|
 |
| Advertising genius You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. This one should get First prize... I e-mailed this to my Japanese doctor friend; He e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician. |
 |
Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.
Ten
Dollar Dog  A guy is driving around the back of Liverpool and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the ASIO. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Mascot airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. |
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
 Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.' Ten dollars,' the owner says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. |
| Is this is what is meant by 'Executive Thinking' ? |
| When paddy gets rich Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' .... 'What ' s dat ' , says his mate. 'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy. |
 |
No matter what side of the AISLE you're
on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how
you look at the same things.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol: On the back
of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus
Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the
Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force,
convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Prime
Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:
|
Classic
A stockman named Bluey was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in NSW when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a
cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a fancy suit, Gucci shoes, Prada sunglasses and
YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?
Bluey looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, Sure, why not. The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the stockman and says; You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, says Bluey. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bluey says to the young man. Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why not. You're a senator in Julia Gillard's Labour Government, says Bluey. Wow! That's correct, says the yuppie, but how did you guess that? No guessing required. answered the stockman. You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog |
 Ten Lies
That old yachties tell their spouses - and themselves: 1---It's only cosmetic? 2---I'll have her in the water next year 3---It'll cost hardly anything if I do the work myself 4---I can sail it without an engine 5---It'll be out of the driveway by May 6---Once that's done it shouldn't cost a penny 7---Of course it doesn't need new sails 8---I'll start work on the kitchen next weekend 9---I had to buy that radar, it was half price 10-Don't worry, the keel-bolts will be fine |
|
An Aussie Poem The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock. He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams. He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. 'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense, 'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.' The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree. The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip. At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death. He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim. |
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks. He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide. Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed. The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day. He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe. And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!' The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks! |
| Grandmother of all Blond Jokes This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.... You'll love this... Yep. I know you will... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. |
| Jesus The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!' The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?' The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?' Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.' The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men. Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?' Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.' The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!' Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face. The Aussie whispers. 'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp' |
This ought to make all Grandpa's feel warm and fuzzy
 A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ... Grandpa, Grandpa, she says excitedly. |
 |
As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!What? said her Grandpa. Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land! |
Bob and the Blonde |
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said; Do you think he'll jump? Bob said, you know, I bet he'll jump. The blonde replied, well, I bet he won't. Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said. You're on! |
 |
 |
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money... |
 |
 Heaven and HellWhile on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM. 'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.' 'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd 'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!' 'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly. 'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!' Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.  They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward. When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! 'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!' The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.' So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!' The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us! |
Victory at SeaClick photo for more, |
Old FriendsBill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?' 'Well,' Bill said, ' you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.' 'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' |
 If you were around in 1919and saw this poster......... Would you quit drinking? |
| This is why we love old people A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matt er of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. |
| A Loving Touch After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'. |
 Men just don't listen!Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque" "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" 
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See - Men just don't listen! |
| Leaving Work early: Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them. No way the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday. |
|
Lawyers? Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" 
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy,
and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him. The defense attorney almost died.  The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." |
| Impeccably Logical librarian This is very short and straight to the point! A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says; "Nick off, ye'll no bring it back!" (Short one are sometimes good ones) |
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
 Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please?  Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. |
| An elderly man in Queensland An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile." Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast. |
| Even Jesus liked a good joke There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He didn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands. 2. He had wine with His meals. 3. He used olive oil . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature. 2. He ate a lot of fish. 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. |
|
The Duck and the Lawyer A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it. The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the Three Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, What is the Three Kick Rule? The Farmer replied, Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up. The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn. The old farmer smiled and said, Nah, I give up. You can have the duck. |
| Shipwrecked? "A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a Yacht Club !." |
| The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside? The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside; and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?". The Lone Ranger stands, again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothin, but you left your Injun running". |
| Smart fella this Forest Gump. Subject: Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. I'm sorry Forrest, St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals. That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" 3 Questions" said St Peter. Which are?" asked Forrest. The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is : How many seconds are there in a year" The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda? "Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. ( I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have. "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Just 12!" Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest? "Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds. "St Peter looked at Forrest and said,"I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven." Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" Forrest replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer. "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest? "It's Andy. "Andy??" Yes, Andy" said Forrest. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ." And Forrest entered Heaven.... |
| Can't Bear it A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs. The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." |
| GOOD MORNING FATHER Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?. So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied. |
| Blonde Stories A Blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to Kev the Panel Beater. Kev saw that she was a Blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The Blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a Blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The Blonde told her how Kev the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her Blonde room mate rolled her eyes and said, Hel-l-l-o-o-o-o! You need to roll up the windows first!" A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a Redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says." "Your fingers broken. "A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman; I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... And the blonde said: Helloooo.... I've got Windows |
| Got to love them Aussie girls !!! Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. |
| A King Arthur Fable Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch-only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly. |
| The quick thinking Dingo An Australian goes on an African safari taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Gee, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo." The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Bugger, what am I going to do now?" So, instead of running, the dingo sits down with his back to his approaching attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" |
